Whenever I ask a client, “Would you like to find yourself in a long-term committed relationship?” the answer is almost always the same:
“Yes — with the right person.”
And every time I smile, because of course that’s what they mean… but it always makes me wonder:
Did I accidentally imply they should commit to the wrong person?
That tiny qualifier — with the right person — is doing a lot of heavy lifting. It’s carrying their history of heartbreak, the lessons they’ve learned the hard way, the fear of settling, the fear of wasting time.
When most people say this, what they really mean is:
“I want to feel safe, not trapped.”
“I don’t want to lose myself just to have a relationship.”
“I want something that feels mutual — not one-sided.”
“I want love, but not at any cost.”
It’s not that they don’t want commitment — they just want to be sure that commitment will feel good. And that makes total sense.
But here’s where it gets interesting: if you don’t take the time to define what “the right person” actually means to you, that phrase can become a moving target. It can keep you stuck in perfectionism, endlessly searching for someone who checks every single box instead of choosing someone you can actually grow with.
This is why I spend so much time with clients clarifying what right really means.
What qualities make you feel safe, supported, and seen?
What values need to align for you to feel at home in a relationship?
Where can you be flexible — and where can you not?
Because once you define what “the right person” looks like for you, you stop dating reactively. You stop chasing sparks just because they’re there. You stop fearing commitment because you know what you’re saying yes to — and what you’re saying no to.
So now I’m curious: what does “with the right person” actually mean to you? And have you taken the time to define it — or are you waiting to recognize it when you see it?
